It’s been an interesting week. .. I’ve got in touch with a long lost emotion…Anger. The type that doesn’t make you see red, but rather blinding white.
Got to say I’m a little disturbed right now and I’m taking things a little personal right now, something I hardly ever do...
Who writes the rules of a breakup and to which ones do you adhere to? Me, I reject all for I am of the belief that I am above such concepts, if there no rules to falling for someone, how are there rules for getting over them.
It seems a lot of people seem to subscribe to the Neil McCauley theory: “Don't let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner."
Lol. Laughable. Everyone knows that if anything is of any substance, of any true meaning to you, it’s going to have left a mark on you for some period of time.(Editor’s Side note: A car just rode by pumping Birthday Sex – I F’N HATE THAT SONG!! , ok back to the story…Really hate that song)
Ok, where was I? Ahhhh yes. Breaking up. BAH! Already getting bored with this, lol, guess it comes from a short attention span. Guess that’s why I can only watch 30min programs. 22 mins should be enough to tell a story!!!! Ahh yes, but let’s get back on topic shall we? (Ohhhhhh, 27 dresses is on !!! Katie Heigl – OOOOOOHHHH YEEEAHAHAA!! Seen this movie numerous times and liked the chemistry between her and James Marsden. Speaking of Marsden, Yo! The man got shafted in X-Men 3. YOU DO NOT KILL OFF CYCLOPS!!! I hope he got more cash to appear as the fool taking care of Kal-El’s bastard child in Superman Returns…)
OK, OK, I promise no more sidetracking... Let’s just dive into the heart of the matter. S—whoops, let’s call her Miss January, (For the purposes of protecting the innocent, I’m going to use fake names, lol) has been born. Why miss January? It comes from a song by the The Procussions f/ Talib Kweli - Miss January that has become therapeutic at least, and at most has seen heavy rotation on my iPod for the last week. Click on the link above to read the lyrics…
Anyway there are those that seem more upset than I do at the situation. The fact that she still reaches out to me, and that I am more than agreeable to listen to the rantings of a sad, lost, confused woman is upsetting to some. Not once, not twice, but SEVEN times in the past week I have been made to feel stupid, inferior, and just plain sub-human to even offer a simple act of human kindness to someone who has wronged me on such a level, by simply picking up a phone… You see, the logical side of me understands what you're saying, but the small Cro-Magnon illogical side only hears and sees that there is no faith in me at all by others.
Quick history lesson: When she finally left there were I took on the debt she left just with the express purpose of dissolving the amount of contact that would be present. Imagine if she would have to show up once a month for the credit card bills which Is due. I’m thinking that would be way more detrimental than a simple phone call. I have no desire to get back with her. She has no desire to come back. These are just lingering emotions. But you know what I would want? If anything I just want my memories back, untainted! Of all the time we spent, I am now unable to look back at all with any fondness without regret. At a time like this, I’m reminded of Fuel’s Leave The Memories Alone:
“So here I am with my thoughts of you
And this world I've left for me
Stoic faces when I think of you…
So leave the memories alone
I don't want to see
The way it is, as to how it used to be
Leave the memories alone, don't change a thing
And I'll hold you here in my memory”
And since that can’t happen, there is nothing that she has to offer me. Answering the phone is my own personal act of defiance. I know it’s not seen like that, but I do. If I change, if I start to ignore, if I start to lash out in any way, that means she's won. she's gotten to me and has left an even indelible scar then the one that’s probably already implanted. Because simply, ignoring her calls wouldn't suffice for me. After what I feel was a robbery of my own self-respect , my own person sense of justice demands that I do too her what was done to me... I entertain thoughts of destroying her life on a constant basis semi-monthly, dark evil things, nothing physical of course, but tearing her self-confidence and self-respect away forever. But what would I have gained? Absolutely nothing. So I think to myself, take the higher road, but it seems that’s wrong too!?
But instead of you considering of all of these thoughts I just feel that I have been looped in with friends and soldiers’ on the Battlefield of Love (a Lenny Kravitz reference) who take a “lower” road, when I work very hard to separate myself from their image...
